New Experience...New Feeling...New Question
I am a lone wolf. Crowd generally irritates me so I generally try to avoid it. Sometimes I have even felt that I have Enochlophobia...that is I am afraid of crowd... But I had a different experience today. I was in a crowd...in an open-air dance party. And it was so densely packed that there was no space to even move a muscle...dancing far fetched!
I was not feeling out of 'my very own comfortable' domain somehow. It was a new sensation I was experiencing and I liked it. I was not thinking "what hell on earth, people here are so crazy!?", which I would have thought on other day! I was enjoying watching people, doing silly things. And after a while of this enjoyment I was feeling something odd. I was feeling lonely...in the center of the crowd...surrounded by friends...still lonely! And I don't remember such feeling anytime before even when completely alone... It was eating me from inside...the loneliness was worse than the irritation or fear caused by the crowd.
We left the place in sometime and as I was going away from the crowd, I thought 'whatever happens, I won't be lonely again'. I recalled a similar dialogue "If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill, as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!". And with that Scarlett O'Hara came to my mind. I like Scarlett for her never dying fighting spirit...
On my way home I was thinking about her. I don't like some of her absurd thoughts and nonsense acts like, she always wants somebody to give away her worries and she would pick the first one she could think of! It is kind of she runs from a situation where she could be alone...then anybody may be the one...Charles or Frank or Ashley or Rhett! I don't like this part of her character...
And then the thought came back to me... I have been very choosy for my companions...my friends unlike her. Next came the question... should I also run from the loneliness or should I accept it? or should I fight it? Should I have someone or anyone or should I be alone as I have always preferred? or should I seek the perfect one?
......and the question remained....
